Summer 2010 Movie Preview

SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW 2010:
PART I

page 2

May 21
Shrek Forever After

A bored and domesticated Shrek (Mike Myers) pacts with deal-maker Rumpelstiltskin to get back to feeling like a real ogre again, but when he's duped and sent to a twisted version of Far Far Away - where Rumpelstiltskin is king, ogres are hunted, and he and Fiona (Cameron Diaz) have never met - he sets out to restore his world and reclaim his true love.

PC: Not since George Burns reprised his role as God has the world been so repulsed by a washed up fucknut coming back to milk the teat of his past success yet again. Cameron Diaz remains unattractive even in cartoon form. I've never seen any of the Shreks cuz the only cartoons I watch come from Japan and end in anime ejaculation. Will I get that from a green ogre movie? Unlikely.

CF: One of my good friends in college used to take forever to get ready when we were headed out for the evening and he'd throw on a copy of Shrek for me to watch while he finished shaving and tweezing and whatnot. Since it wasn't my apartment and he would wander in and out and watch a couple minutes here and there, I felt like I couldn't turn it off and it always seemed like "Well, hell, what do I care, he couldn't take more than ten more minutes to get ready," so I just left it on. I must've seen that movie twenty times. I'm this close to pulling an I Am Legend. I don't even know if I hate this series, which I obviously should. I do know it's responsible for that awful song "Hallelujah" assaulting me nearly year-round from an improbable variety of sources. Hey John, remember when we saw the trailer for Shrek at the Palisades mall, looked at each other and scoffed, "That movie's not going to make any money!"

The verdict: This movie's not going to make any money!

JC: The Shrek movies seem to exist solely to remind me of my complete and total pop culture ignorance. First I grossly underestimate the box office potential of the original movie. Now this one comes out, and I hadn't even realized there had been a part three! Last I remember was part two. So I guess I'm just not even paying attention anymore (unless this is like the House movies and they skipped over the third one - is there an unrelated movie called Shrek 3 in Europe?)

Anyway, sequels should not be made simply to cash in on a popular franchise, they should only exist if there's more story that has to be told. And thankfully Dreamworks upholds that integrity. How many sequels can you name that create an alternative reality for its stock characters to stumble onto? That kind of thing happens constantly on tv where the series has time for a detour like that, but here it just seems like grasping straws. Not that it matters, right? It could be Shrek against a wall telling terrible jokes for an hour and a half and the people would still come. Stockholders rejoice!

EP: I have never seen any of the Shrek movies. And from the look of the trailer, all of the jokes require foreknowledge of all the characters' personalities, because in this installment, everything is just a little off in Neverland. Or something. How many Shreks is this, anyway? Is the title actually Shrek 4ever After? There is obviously no way I'm going to watch the first three Shrek movies just so I can go see Shrek vomit at me in 3-D in this one. So I won't be going to this. But if you're a huge fan of Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy, well... actually, there doesn't seem to be a polite way to end that sentence.

Tally: 0-4

MacGruber

Ex-special operative MacGruber (Will Forte) is called back into action to take down his archenemy, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer), who's in possession of a nuclear warhead and bent on destroying Washington, D.C.

JC: Speaking of my malfunctioning pop cultural radar, it was my understanding that this is based a dried-up SNL sketch that was kind of weird and funny the first time but quickly grew tedious and irksome as the writers beat the dead horse over and over again. It's a MacGyver parody, right? Insert hilarious joke about using a condom and a tube sock to reprogram a nuclear submarine here. But now it's a one-joke movie? Saturday Night Live, I would have expected better from you - this is something you have never done in the past. The one movie I wanted from you, the Sprockets film, never happened. And every one I never asked for became a reality. Except the David Spade "buh-bye" character and Rob Schneider's "makin' cop-eeeeees" dingbat (whoops, I just gave Lorne Michaels the idea for the ultimate buddy movie.) "Von Cunth" is a funny name, but Val Kilmer? Why didn't they take a page from Strange Brew, Deuce Bigelow and Beerfest and cast an older, respected European actor as the villain? Jean-Paul Belmondo as Von Cunth. Now that I'd see.

EP: The good news is, I'd actually be willing to go see this, if only to see Val Kilmer ham it up as an evil genius who wants to blow up Washington DC. The bad news is that the movie I'm most excited to see in May so far is MacGruber, and by "most excited" what I really mean is it's kind of a coin flip between going to see MacGruber with whichever group of people I'm with who want to see it, or sitting in the park playing chess on my phone until they get out of the theater. I guess if it were raining I'd go see MacGruber. Or if by the third week in May it's already really hot and the theater has AC. There. That's an endorsement. "The Pink Smoke says: the theater had air conditioning." Put that on your poster.

CF: Man, I've been watching Saturday Night Live for some reason this season (I guess being trapped at home on Saturday nights with a pregnant wife and, now, a little baby) and it's just a wasteland - truly depressing, unfunny stuff. Like MadTV-level. It just seems to have passed its reason for existence. And these little MacGruber sketches aren't even funny. Why the hell are they parodying MacGuyver two decades too late? It's more weird than funny. I loathe "hey, remember the 80's" comedy and that's about all those sketches amount to. But still, I love Val Kilmer (you read that correctly), so I'll probably see this. And you know what? I don't mind Ryan Phillippe. His pillow-y lips and bright eyes are dreamy.

The verdict: It couldn't be worse than Corky Romano and I saw that in the theater.

PC: I like Will Forte's style and hope the Falconer makes an appearance. The name Dieter Von Cunth is fantastic though I would prefer someone not so bloated as Kilmer playing him...however it does leave room for a lot of water retention Von Cunth jokes is that not so? If the female lead is attractive I would actually pay 99 cents to see this.

Tally: 3-1

Holy Rollers

In Brooklyn, a youth from an Orthodox Jewish community (Jesse Eisenberg) is lured into becoming an Ecstasy dealer by his pal who has ties to an Israel drug cartel.

PC: Not since Melanie Griffith played that Orthodox Jewish dinosaur hunter have I been this excited about seeing a movie set in the backward world of Orthodox Judaism. Can I look forward to a Lukas Haas cameo? Will Harrison Ford reprise his role as the hardboiled detective who has to immerse himself into an archaic and ludicrous community where elders enforce idiotic holy book laws on a cowed populace who look down upon the modern world? [careful Paul, don't offend our Amish readers! --ed.] Will a renegade Orthodox Jewish rabbi who gives babies herpes through barbaric circumsion practices team up with a child molesting Catholic priest in order to crack the ecstasy ring? Possibly. Will I never in fact watch this obvious steaming pile of horseshit? Most likely.

JC: They certainly couldn't have gone "jewier" than Jesse Eisenberg, the Uncle Remus of young Jewish men. The guy makes Woody Allen look like Mel Gibson. That has nothing to do with my not being able to stomach him as an actor, although being whiny and nasally are unfortunate stereotypes of the Chosen People. I do not endorse such stereotypes, nor do I endorse those who propagate them. So go cram it with walnuts, Eisenberg.

EP: These fucking titles. But this actually looks okay. I would totally stream this instantly to my computer from my Netflix account when that becomes possible in October.

CF: Can I get a pass? I already saw this. Jesse Eisenberg can't be stopped, so you've got to give up trying. Let's concentrate on Michael Cera and bringing him down.

The verdict: It's not as bad as it sounds, nor it is very good.

Tally: 1-2

May 28th
Prince of Persia

Set in medieval Persia, a rogue prince (Jake Gyllenhaal) joins a mysterious princess (Gemma Arterton) in an effort to prevent a dark force from obtaining an ancient dagger that allows its handler to rule the world.

JC: When this video game came out a friend of mine called it the "grandma" game because it had the "do over" feature where you could, for example, pause the game if you didn't jump far enough over a bottomless abyss and go back and try again. My friend surmised that it treated the gamer like a kindly old granny: "That's ok dear, you don't have to die, just go back and try again until you're ready." That's kind of the Oliver Stone approach, isn't it? Release the movie, then get a "do-over" and release an even worse director's cut - it's ok, Oliver dear, you release your cut when you're good and ready.

Jake Gyllenhaal may be more tolerable than his hideous sister, but since reaching manhood he's only served to star in terrible movies (Jarhead, Rendition) or be terrible in so-so movies (The Good Girl, Zodiac.) Gemma Arterton played Agent Strawberry Fields, the least successful Bond girl in history (sorry, Denise Richards) and brings nothing to the table. Therefore there is no force compelling me towards this release, but at the same time I wouldn't cross the street to avoid it. I'm mainly just surprised it isn't a Stephen Sommers film.

EP: I don't know what I thought this was going to be before I saw the trailer, but once the Magic Kingdom Disney castle thing and Bruckheimer's name came up, it all became a little clearer. It's Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Or, it's like the new Pirates, but now set in ancient Persia, but it's the same fundamental thing: an adventure movie in a previously established genre, but now that genre has magic and supernatural elements and instead of a simple, let's-get-the-Ark-before-Hitler-does plot, the story is totally incomprehensible and none of the MacGuffins are even explained properly. (What was that compass thing in the Pirates movies supposed to do? Exactly. I don't know either. No one does. The only person who would even pretend to be able to answer that question is Orlando Bloom, and that guy is clearly an idiot.) Also, instead of Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley, this movie has Jake Gyllenhall and, uh, who is that? So, uh, yeah. Not happening.

CF: Looks like enjoyable nonsense and features the most beautiful, sexy Gyllenhaal in existence. Mike Newell is a reliable journeyman who can be expected to rise or sink to the level of his producer and script. I got nothing against Bruckheimer. Haven't really seen Arterton - what's the word, Paul, is should good-looking enough to be famous for it or not?

The verdict: Jeez'um crow, is this the summer movie for which I am most excited?

PC: Yes! So far I have never met a video game movie adaptation I haven't absolutely fallen in love with, and I expect the streak to continue with P of P. If you're friends with P of P then you're friends with me, and anyone else can go fuck themselves. Jakey Jakey shakey shakey is gorgeous, and obviously got all the looks in the Gyllenhaal family.

He was born to play a Persian prince, I've been saying that since October Sky. I remember sitting on my toilet talking to my pet turtle Ethan Hawke and saying, "Ethan, that hillbilly nerd should be doing more Persian royalty roles."

Ethan tucked his head back into his shell, which I have always taken as a sign of assent. I'm assuming the lead actress is lithe and brown, and at least as hot as the cartoon chick in Aladdin.

In an aside, Pocahontas and the chick from Aladdin should do a movie together. Natalie Martinez as Pocahontas and Sofia Vergara as chick from Aladdin...in Smurfland...destroying Gargamel with the collective power of their chests.

Tally: 1-3

Sex in the City 2

While wrestling with the pressures of life, love, and work in Manhattan, Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte join Samantha for a trip to Morocco, where Samantha's ex is filming a new movie.

EP: We can all agree now that Sex and the City was for women what sports are for men, right? Like, an excuse to get together and watch something?* And now that it's been away for a little while, and everyone's all moved on to Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy, we can all come together and agree that Carrie's little voiceover witticisms are really grating and dumb, right? No? We still care? Is it the shoes? Is it like fancy clothes porn? Never mind. Enjoy. I hear they go to India. I'm sure all the Slumdog kids got to be extras and when it was all over they got to keep their Jimmy Choo's. It will probably be less offensive than Temple of Doom. Unfortunately, it will also be less awesome.

* I don’t really think of sports that way.

PC: So the dusty old skanks are bringing their special brand of menopause and venereal disease overseas? Aren't the Moroccans lucky. I look forward to an Imam issuing a fatwa in Fez which results in the wizened foursome being stoned to death...after being veiled of course. If ever there was a need for burqua it's these whiny chattering hags. I don't care about your 800 dollar shoes, and the 8 grand you spent restructuring your face was wasted. You were gross at 18, you're gross now, and you'll remain gross until the worms eat away the last vestiges of your sinew and silicone when you are mercifully out of sight and underground.

(In other news I applied for jobs at Hallmark and the Lifetime channel today...wish me luck!)

JC: Just what those ignorant Moroccans need, a little cougar culture! A country known for great women - Fatima Al Fihra, Fatima Mernissi, Jane Bowles - can now add the Sex and the City girls to that list. Of all the shoe stores in all the towns in all the world, they had to walk into this one. Undoubtedly this will be the finest film ever made that is somehow related to Morocco. (Personally I'm on Team Miranda - what team are YOU on?)

CF: I actually have no objection to lifestyle fantasy indulgence nor to the obscene emphasis this series places on material goods. In the words of Mojo Nixon, I think everyone in this world would be happier with "victuals, tv and espn." I like my big tv, I like eating BBQ at Brother Jimmy's, I like beautiful women in nice clothing, I sure as shit love hot high heels. I like trips to Morocco, Mimosas at brunch and gigantic NYC apartments. Why would I expend negative energy on this film when I fundamentally agree with it? The women are busted, but what are you gonna do? Kim Catrall was Gracie Law - that's a free lifetime pass right there. And SJP was one of Strangers with Candy's celebrity supporters and I'm sure that matters somehow. You know what, just as I am fine with The King of Queens, KFC and the Adidas tennis shoe company, I am completely fine with this movie.

The verdict: Shut your pie-hole, hippie.

Tally: 2-2 [because we all know Pfriender wants to see this - I called him up once and he said he'd have to call me back because he was watching Sex in the City. True story. -- ed.]

Survival of the Dead

National Guardsmen, thinking they have found refuge from a zombie army on an island off the coast of Delaware, soon realize they've wedged themselves between two warring families who differ on what should become of the undead.

PC: The title blows but who doesn't love a good zombie movie? Raise em up, shoot em down, have a chick or two in a tank top and bring the whole family out for a night of fun at the cineplex! Why not have some miniature golf afterward or maybe shoot a few at the bowling alley. Feel free to meet that babysitter you've been seeing in the bathroom for a quick tryst while you go off to get the kids and the wife refreshments...be sure to tell them "whoa that was a long line!" when you get back, and, as always, don't forget to zip up.

CF: Land of the Dead had its moments. Diary of the Dead (that's what it was called right?) had exactly one ok moment. Romero remains a below average filmmaker with above average ideas. I like those odds. Even his best films (Martin, Dawn of the Dead) have their problems, so I never have my expectations too high for a new one from the legendary Ewok-looking horror icon. I'm sure this one will have some great ideas, some poor execution and it will be worth my time. Way better than Saw V, for sure, and that's on Showtime2 nonstop, so I've seen it literally 3 times since I've been under house-arrest. Anyhoo, this sounds like it could be Southern Comfort crossed with Day of the Dead, which is... an above average idea.

The verdict: What? There's no island off the coast of Delaware.

EP: A bunch of survivors of a zombie apocalypse travel to an island off the coast of Delaware where, if I'm understanding the trailer correctly, they find themselves in the center of a conflict between Catholics and Protestants. Seriously? There is an island off the coast of Delaware inhabited solely by people from the English countryside? Is that not weirder than the fact that the dead are returning to life to feast on our brains? I know he's untouchable, and for good reason, but the last few Romero movies have been less than terrific. Still... zombies. I'm in.

JC: I sat through about an hour of this one at the Toronto Film Festival last year, and that was more than enough (although technically I didn't walk out, I left to watch football.) I'm one of the few who actually likes Land of the Dead and thought it had the same kind of smart character development and cultural subtext as Romero's original trilogy. Then his mockumentary Diary of the Dead was gawdawful, and this one turned out to be somewhere inbetween: it's not the shot-on-video, amateur actor "tell-don't-show" catastrophe that Diary was, but its uninspired story and cardboard characters has nothing on any of the first four "dead" movies. Romero seems to have reached a level of tone deafness that makes his dialogue sound ridiculous and any political messages in the movie completely obscure. As for the zombies? Cartoonish and unthreatening. But I wouldn't be adverse to giving this a full-run second chance.

Tally: 4-0 (I think?)

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